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Stranded and Strangled

January 22, 2011

Having to check my email multiple times a day is driving me crazy. Not the act of disarming the screensaver, pointing, and clicking, but the chaos of it. Having spent the past few months sending out emails to employers and headhunters has been quixotic at best. I have always hated this form of communication for anything other than sending documents. The best way for me to sell myself is in person. Odd concept coming from one who enjoys writing, but I feel I am better with spoken word. The chaos of the email solicitation carried on by my increasingly desperate situation is a vicious cycle; that is the crux of its chaos. I can’t decide on anything without hearing from another thing. I am held hostage by faceless people, and all the while I have to keep soliciting in the fear that all prior bridges have no other side.

On top of all this is the philosophical dilemma I have been weighing. I am at the point in my relationship with my girlfriend where we don’t know how to be committed to a future together when the present is so fractured by geography as well as not knowing what we want for ourselves.

The philosophical dilemma is this: If I am on my own now in regards to deciding my future (meaning that I don’t have others to think of), do I put myself on a road towards an enjoyable occupation that is stable, and allows me to have a family if I so choose, or, do I continue with what has enthralled me most about the last 4 years abroad, the big highs and big lows of scheming towards the next step in my life and damning the consequences.

I’m not sure I’ve done either of those things really, its just that the dichotomy that I have lived over the last while has always been between living on a contract for a period of time I set myself or seeing how the first step and every subsequent step leads to the solid ground.

Do I even want to be on solid ground?

My whole idea of having a wife and children and a good job comes from my family. Its a bit of a pressure set by an extended family that espouses these beliefs while exceeding at its principles. There are no alcoholics, no destitute or lost people. My cousins that are yet to start families all have a firm base that allows them to be ambitious and hopefully succeed.

I don’t think I ever really considered anything else until I left home in 2007.

Since then, I have spent most of my time trying to understand new concepts and fitting them into the old ones. For instance, I believe I am a much more worldly. I have seen how big the world really is and how easily one can fit into it. So many people I have met while traveling have found a niche and made the most of it, many in places so far from where there started. For instance, a restaurant in northern thailand, a bicycle tour in china, journalism in korea, stand-up comedy abroad.

I sit here thinking about how to be certified in this or that so I can have a stable future, but really all I want is to start anything. My expectations tear down every idea because it isn’t all encompassing. Perhaps I should explain some ideas that I have explored over the past few months in the next couple blog posts.

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