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September 16, 2010

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I don’t know what to do. If I go to Korea and Mary does not. We will be apart for most of a year. I know that we are capable of dealing with this and still being together, but I am not sure we have a grasp on what we want to do. I think I need to stop thinking about long term commitment and focus on what will put me in a place where I can either settle myself financially or start myself on a path that leads to a career in something. I worry about being with someone from Europe in that what I choose to study must be applicable to the world and not just the US. I don’t know what my options are at this moment, so I think I should sit down and talk with a career counselor or something. Someone with an idea about how to live and work in both the US and Europe. Right now, Mary wants to work in a restaurant and apprentice in a way where she can learn how to become a Vegan chef. I think this can be done in many places where I am capable of studying something, so that is a good place to be in a year or so, once I find a program and she finds a job. I don’t think she would mind living in the states and I wouldn’t mind studying just about anywhere. I know that she has many places she would not want to live and that is fine with me. But even this is more long term (1 year or so ahead). Right now, I need to figure out how to get myself steady financially, save some money, and work on my writing. I think that if I can become successful writing I can live anywhere and become adaptable. I feel that I am reaching for something that will make it easier on us to stay together because right now, we might be with each other in a relationship but that is nothing if we aren’t physically together. I think I am going to end up in Korea in the next few weeks because I cannot think of any other way to make and save as much money as there. At least not in the near future. Mary seems like she is set on staying in Ireland until 2011, but has dropped a few hints about wanting to leave sooner. If she comes to Korea with me that would make things easier, but I don’t think she wants to go. I think she wouldn’t be able to continue learning how to cook and that is what she is set on doing at the moment. I don’t even really want to go back to Korea, but I don’t really have many options because I spent all my money on Indian elephants and Cambodian hookers, respectively.

I keep worrying about what to study because I have no perspective on where to go and what to do. Any route I choose is a back up plan to writing, but even that has been moving slow. My motivation to write in my parent’s home, where there are so many distractions as well as the time spent worrying about finding a job in korea and wondering what the future will hold has been a pain. I am finding the time to write but I am almost never in the easily excitable mood it takes for me to freely associate the things I have done into something cohesive. Not being with Mary, and not being able to see on her face how she is feeling also puts me in a form of limbo when it comes to our conversations. I know she can be apprehensive and worry about major decisions where as I am pretty much comfortable with anything that leads to me working on writing, saving money, and moving towards being with her. I would do whatever it takes to be with her, even if it takes me living apart from her for a year in order to get my life together financially and vocationally.

27 is a difficult age for me right now. I want to have kids and a family, but I want to be successful and be able to take care of them. I think that some of the futuristic worries I have are the same that a person has when they are done with college, except that I put them off long enough to merge them with the realities of life that include making a home for myself and another. This has to be a common occurence for many people my age, its just that the way I have spent the last few years has opened my mind up to more possibilities than I can focus on. To add to that, at this very moment, I feel that due to my financial situation, all those ideas I have about what to do with myself are closed, and that is frustrating. I am just about eternally even keel, but I find myself anxious to the point of pulling out my hair because the future is not under way RIGHT NOW. I am under the impression that I will be in Korea in a few weeks, and once I start a commitment like that, I know that I will calm down and be able to handle all this because I will have a year to put things in order. I will be able to see through the asshole that is financial instability, knowing that I will be in better shape when I am done teaching in a year. I know that if I commit myself to writing over the next year, I will have a finished product that allows me to take a stab at making writing a profession. I know that with financial stability, I can find Mary wherever she is. Whether she wants to be with me at that point is something but how can I worry about that? I know that when I am done in Korea, I should be able to say what I want to study, or at least be in a place where I am not coming up with a new hair brained scheme every week. I hope more than anything that Mary is with me on the other side of this year, either physically or through a skype phone call because that is what matter the most. But it won’t be worth it if I haven’t put myself together. If I haven’t fulfilled the commitments I have just made to myself regarding my goals for this year.

It is the jewish new year at the moment, and this is the first time I have gone to services in a long time. I have always been the kind of person to commit to others but I tend to make empty promises to myself. Having had ample time to think about the renewed vows, faith, and judgement, along with change, family and future. I think that the time could not be more right for me to be putting answers to the millions of questions that can summarize my time abroad. Writing is all I have to get things off my chest. I have been known to talk up a storm but when I finish blowing a bunch of hot air at other people, there is no record to ponder. I practically black out when I speak, though I tend to make sense most of the time. The same is true of my writing. The difference is that I can see what I wrote instead of the confused angry faces of others. What I write here, and what I want to put together this coming year is a series of questions tied together with travel. Coming of age is not an adventure because that would imply obstacles overcome to reach a goal. It’s more like running around like a chicken with its head cut off until you figure out how to sow it back on. For me, I got to run around the world, and perhaps that is worth writing about, its just that I am only just now pondering the purchase of a needle and thread.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Elayne Sawaya permalink
    September 16, 2010 2:43 pm

    Alex
    Trite as this may sound. It will all work out. You are exactly where you ought to be and whatever your decision, you will always always end up where you need to be. I know for myself I tend to make big deals out of things that needn’t be. If you and Mary are meant to be…you will be. BTW I loved your last few sentences.
    You need to write. You are driven to write. Writing is the fuel that powers (empowers) your engine.
    I will miss you when you are away. As will Gayle and Marvin and Sara and Mary, but you are on a journey and you are a seeker. What a great thing to be. I wish more of the human race had your impulse to discover– to learn— to be open. It is what forms the great humanitarians among us. You have the thread and the needle….Continue sewing.
    Much Love
    Elayne

  2. September 18, 2010 10:27 pm

    Hey Alex,

    Firstly, I suppose it’s good news you’re thinking of coming back to Korea.

    Secondly, I’ve been having similar dilemmas lately. Send me an email or give me, I’ll try and explain them to you (and possibly end up with some answers for myself)

    Conor

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