studied til noon, class til 3, studied til midnight. everything i said was small talk. meaningful conversations felt forced. conversation from 1am-3am was good though, class in 6 hours
funeral and all that
got into school
live in baltimore
studying nursing at hopkins
first semester is done
i did pretty well
emotionally up and down
school is a good distraction
mostly because i like it
have a girlfriend
dont really know how to do all that though
mostly just study
caught a patient having a seizure on friday
people congratulated me but it was pretty heavy
had a really good talk with two classmates after
got drunk that night and bought a painting with pirate ships for 50 bucks
ate pasta drank beer went to bed with her
saturday studied mostly
watched mayweather and johnny football
today studied all day
some people some alone
so im here
As I write essays for master’s programs, I have to mention my father. I talk about taking care of him in a way that almost makes it sound like some sort of achievement, yet I don’t think of it that way. i dont actually think about why at all. As an added layer, I currently work much of the day and am not a caregiver to him in the same capacity as I was prior. So I am writing these essays in a current fashion that is troubling to me because it is not my place at the moment. The soul searching turned advertisement has weighed heavy and im only now capable of writing and editing this stuff in spurts as constant dissembling of the minute details of 1000 pound aspects of my life prove fruitless in my own grasping at this monstrosity. With so much else to do, it has become the only time I sit and seriously think about my actions in that my mind slows down enough while editing sentences to scour my words for meaning or intent.
preamble pentameter porcupine perpetuation pony pistol pete parsimonious plaster pills por postal penguins pinching perched partridges patting plots pitched pampers pickle persimmons.
As the creaky train creeps towards the russian border, a group of us wonder how to handle the upcoming stop. Its 6 hours just south of siberia in winter, waiting for russian border patrol to properly inspect the train, switch it to russian tracks, and drink a fifth or two of vodka for good measure. We could stay on the train, drinking heavily while staring into the vacant eyes of permafrost locals, only to have to leave the train to use the bathroom because they lock them all during the delay. Or, we could head into the station, bundled up beyond belief, and peruse the fine displays of glass figurines, which if bought, have 10 days of life in them as they could never survive the transsiberian in the first place. The station is chosen for its bathroom, once it is established we can drink anywhere. Sitting around an iron grate mall table, passing stories and shots, we discuss where we are coming from and where we are going. My bunkmate is an 18 year old british girl, heading home the interesting way from a vacation in china with some friends…they all decided to fly home. She wanted to stop in Mongolia, as many do, but didn’t, as many don’t. So a quick 7-10 day ride home is her agenda. Her iphone and constant check of messages tells me that her family is interested in her whereabouts, but her frame of mind is to find a group like us and relax. Along with Liz, the Brit, are 3 Aussies halfway through a yearlong world tour, a polish couple on the leg back of their honeymoon, and myself, not really sure where I’m going, I just know it is west of here.
The train should sound and doesn’t. I have to watch other people to see if it is time to go. A few russians begin packing up so I stock up on beer and vodka. Everything around us is desolate. It has been since we left Ulaanbataar, and I guess before that as well. Mongolia seemed like another whole trip. Some were just going to and from home, but many came from different places, physically and mentally. It was an adventurous crowd, exploring. Now there is still a bit of adventure in the foreigners I see, but there is a strong sense of commute. I picture mixed asians in toyota corollas on their way home from their job in the valley back to south LA, probably should listen to music to make the ride go more smoothly but just want to keep quiet after a long day. That is, except these people are traveling for days. From entering russia through mongolia, it will be 5 or so days on a train before western russia and moscow. People have their lives on them. Some ride the whole distance, but many stop along the way.
Chinese people are generally not very dark, some are though that is because they have mongolian blood in them. Mongolians are round. Their faces and waists, barrel chests and broad shoulders. Russians you have seen. Kinda. Russians don’t all look like women’s tennis players, vladimir putin and old tiny short pudgy men and their similar babushkas. Many are a mix of the chinese, mongolian, ad uzbek/kazhak central asian sort. They have a name: _____, and in Siberia, they almost seem to outnumber the light skinned russians. This is most of my train to siberia. Quiet, except for the children, which seem to outnumber the trees in the endless forests out the windows on both sides. They wait and wait for their destination, their commute home having only begun. Food is a time to let go a bit, laughing and talking. They eat what I will soon know well. Sausage and bread. Big hunking links and long thick bread sticks.
ferrets spread disease in a similar way to humans so we make stronger versions of the diseases we already have, like bird flu and give it to them to make sure we know what to do if our current ailments get worse.
today i learned about how earth’s organic matter may have come from comets. I guess i knew some of this already, but what was fascinating was how it happened. To sum up, the gravitational pulls of jupiter and saturn are strong, every time they went by each other they pushed neptune and uranus further away from the sun towards the kaiper belt. There, they hit a bunch of icy rocks, sending them everywhere around the solar system. These are comets that hit everything, all the planets including us. They hit every part of our planet. As these comets go from the kaiper belt toward us, they melt, sending icy streams of gas and rocks and such out into space, hence the comets tail. These were analyzed by a probe in 2006 and found to have basic elements of organic matter, amino acids. If a bunch hit the earth, it explains why we have so much organic matter.
today i learned that I need to explain what I write in an essay to suit the everyday reader instead of my professor. Apparently, I am not writing essays for her to read.
today i learned that George Harrison was amazing, yet again. I watched the Scorsesse documentary on him for HBO. It was great; I dont really understand the critiques accusing it of lacking emotion. Maybe I was expecting something different than those critics. I thought it was fantastic. I have never read much on him, and while I do know about many of his interests musically and spiritually, I did not know much of the specifics. The interviews were great.
today I learned that once again, moments pop up with siblings when all pretense goes out the window, honesty and humility rear their head, and a stripped conversation can be had, leaving me feeling a bit more connected even if its just for a few minutes.
today I learned that I am incapable of shopping for myself. name a thing one can buy and I am not good at finding nor purchasing it. Negate that as well and I am also not good an stopping myself from buying things I dont need. I am too impulsive to be left on my own in this manner.
I think capitalism has had its progression, but our relationship to it is changed. I don’t think the upper class nor the state had the means to distort class consciousness as they do today. Yes they used more violence back in the day, but that seems to galvanize people more than displace. I think the years of (maybe perceived) general trust that has persisted in capitalist culture between the w…orkers and the corporations has allowed the state and the elite to use multi media to its advantage by dividing the masses along false party lines. Maybe now people are more aware of this, but it is also a time where independent minded people are funneled into ideology by these same people due to a lack of quality education, allowing puppet ideas to run rampant without anybody researching anything they say. They think they have a lot of elbow room when they say it, but if they follow their words to their conclusion they will find it concentrated by the thousands of voices that echoed their complaint without an original thought to add
I would say that half of America doesn’t give a shit about these thoughts and that they would immediately write you off as a whining liberal.. i would then conclude that the “quality education” these ppl need is just as ideological as the p…roverbial education that they would ram down your throat, given the chance.. maybe the ruling class didn’t have the same means to distort class consciousness as they do today but thats only bc the main media back then were the papers, and they damn well tried to mold class consciousness as much as they could since the beginning. most of these papers were owned by the wealthy and naturally influenced by their agendas, either way all the papers had agendas and it all comes back to the problems of democracy. a capitalist democracy is designed for political division.. it influences it, perpetuates it, and we are trained to think that such “freedoms” are the vital ingredient to human existence. weve always pretty much been divided by party lines, look at the Federalists and Republicans for example. furthermore, at this point, with the class, political, with all divisions that have been established and maintained, any “new” agenda will NATURALLY get washed away into a convoluted grand skeptical of puppetry and I believe that the divisions WILL be maintained until death, and by that I mean, the legitimate death of the ruling class… but then what… new power, new divisions, new conflict. unfortunately this is all a natural progression that is really not much different than how its always been. there is no power without resistance and vice versa. with the obvious said, i really like the last sentence you wrote in your post, and agree with you, but i just don’t see things as that different now than they have been in history.
i totally agree, i guess i just have trouble wrapping my head around it. I know it all extends back and i have done a lot of tracing around the creation of our current repeated broken record of a conundrum. But just like many other of the… world’s centuries old conflicts, I have trouble with the use of such a large context to put todays problems into perspective. I often feel defeated by the endless strings of historical beatings society has taken. I see them repeated over and over with waves of us followed by waves of them. But I often come back to current consciousness as a type of starting point. That doesnt mean that historical record is irrelevent, its just that we are constantly seeing the same things differently, whether it be as individuals or as large swaths of people trying to group themselves into ridiculous ideological categories. I have a theory about technology and modern culture in that our minds are sped up by increased multi tasking and options that we see 50 years ago as ancient history and ancient history as fictional stories, or just purely unimportant. In this context, I see the fundamental problems that you are talking about, the maintained divisions, but an ignorance about any semblance of ebb and flow. If any progress is achieved, its taken in like the blob and stripped of all relevance by the next group of power mongers in charge. I guess what im trying to say is that if things arent changing as quickly as we think they are, and one group just negates the efforts of the prior one, and all we do is grow mechanical testicles until the life is sucked out of existence and the biological line of darwinist chimeras has ended and been replaced by a web of online grouches belting manifestos on mythical financial sums and incomprehensible wars into a soundscape vortex similar to the mind of a schizophrenic where repetition and growing anger supplant actual awareness, only to explode upon the laps of a few people with flailing empires based on toxic commodities while the general populus hopes that the new overlords of need and greed can maintain the collective selective memory or else people might have to think/run for their lives, shouldnt we just think of different ways to fight because we’re always gonna have to?
well, everyone who wants to fight is trying to think of new ways to fight but i still don’t think “new ways” make too much of a difference.. makes me think of a quote from the movie War Games, “the only way to win the game is not to play at… all.” definitely an idealistic quote and further idealistic in the fact that it is pretty much impossible not to play the game (hence impossible to win) but, its food for thought. there is the never ending fight and as long as that is the focus then what does a new way to fight really matter? Obviously I don’t support getting taken advantage of or hiding with your tail between your legs, but I also don’t know what good maintaining and concentrating on the rolls of power and resistance really does…? even tho division is natural, do we really have to create a synthesis within it all to make things “better”? 1 way or another, we’re gonna try… as continually repeated in history. what the fuck is “better” in the end tho, it will always be a double edged sword and lead back to the same redundancy?! every trail has a cause and effect, pretty much the same as power and resistance, so if this is natural and continuous, how could we ever escape it and in the end whats the difference between the good and the bad of the present? O.o I know i’m 1 of the most pessimistic ppl around but god damn, I really can’t say I’m 1 of the most unrealistic. either way, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, as long as we all shall live, it will continue until extinction, or until we think of EVERYTHING differently (don’t know the right way to think but clearly this isn’t working) and consciousness as a whole elevates (now thats some idealistic idiocy in and of itself, isn’t it?) >.< fuck all, game on.